Moms Fighting Depression

I'm at a point in life that I was before. My two oldest were one and three at the time. Tank and Phina weren't born yet.

My days back then were survived, not lived. Every moment passed into hours and hours into days and days into months. I was in the house almost constantly, worrying about naps and cooking and cleaning when all I wanted with every fiber of my being was to walk through the woods and sit beside a lake. With two toddlers, my time was constantly demanded. Nights were full of waking up for night time bottles and occasional changes or trips to the potty and I was up early in the mornings to send Cris (hubby) off to work with his coffee and breakfast. There was tension between us because after stressing out all day with work, he'd come home to a stressed out wife. An entire day home and our house was nowhere near clean. Food wasn't cooked with the devotion and attention it should have been but man, I was sad...I was always sad. 

I had fallen into a complete depression. Not many knew about it because I've always been the type that could hide behind a smile and a joke but God knows how badly my heart and mind ached for a moment of peace and solitude. My spirit was suffering because my energy was so low that I couldn't even read the Bible or pray the way I should. I just wanted to get out of the house - to go hiking in the mountains or fishing or camping - but Cris was busy with our business which was taking off and the last thing I wanted was to spend time in the woods with two kids who were cranky and screaming because they were tired.

Listen, this is not something I share with people usually. I don't want people to look at me and think what they're seeing is a poor, stressed mama who can't manage her time. Which, by the way, people, do you know how impossible time-management is when you're not feeling well? When you barely manage to wash your hair twice a week and even forget to feed yourself because you're so busy with others? That was my life then...

And, well, here's the thing...I'm there again. I'm back to having two toddlers constantly vying for my attention. They fight and scream and cry and fight some more and on top of that, my first two kids are old enough now to talk back and misbehave on a whole other level. I'm back to surviving my days. I'm back to an almost constantly messy house and food that could taste better. I'm back to being stuck in the house because Tank is, well, Tank and Phina is so heavy and still not walking. Worst of all, I'm back to feeling sad almost constantly and not knowing how to stop it.

But...there is a difference this time:

Experience.

I experienced years of depression back then. Recently, I recognized the signs as they crept up on me and I am doing everything possible to resist the fall. I am mentally at work throughout the day to find every reason to not be depressed.

When driving to pick up my kids from school, I absorb the natural beauty of North Carolina. I know that sounds silly but I do it. Growing up in a desert, all I ever wanted was to be surrounded by the woods and here I am. So I literally take in the view as I drive. Especially now that it's fall, I can never drive without feeling breathless because everything is so pretty! 

I remind myself on a daily basis that it's not the end of the world that there are dishes in the sink.

When the little ones nap and the older two are in school, I take time to sit my butt down and breathe. If I have to close my eyes to the mess of toys or crumbs on the floor, I do, for the sake of my peace of mind because God, I am losing it. I play my music throughout the day and mentally plan how I'll spend my time when my little ones aren't so little. 

I occasionally drive out to a neighborhood we plan on living in sometime in the future, park my car, shush the kids and listen to the silence for five or ten minutes. I chat with the older two about how we'll decorate the rooms and spend our summer mornings by the lake with lemonade and muffins. The younger two are usually snacking in silence or playing with their books or toys. My mind calms and hope fills me when I think of how we'll make life in the not-so-distant future. It reminds me that my current mental state is not my forever mental state.

That's the thought that helps me most: through experience, I know that these two little ones will grow up and I'll get back on my feet. I know that I won't be in this mindset forever. I won't feel strapped down to sadness forever. The kids are difficult for now, but they will grow. The little ones won't be little forever and naps won't forever control my schedule. Tantrums will end in a few more years. My first two grew and I was able to spend more time with them outside. We could better communicate so I was better able to get things around the house done. I would wake in the morning and enjoy my coffee in silence as they slept in a bit longer than they did when they were smaller. I did have a time of feeling normal and happy and I can rest assured that I will have that time again.

My Girls - Then and Now

There are so much that we mama's go through and life is so hard to manage with so many people and things needing our time and attention. Small kids are a sanity-killer but we need to remember that they won't be small forever. Oh man, how often do we hear that? All the time! But take the moment to stop and really realize that THEY WILL NOT BE SMALL FOREVER.
We need to find what soothes us and use that daily to keep up above the things trying to pull us down into depression. 

I tell myself every day that I will not let depression take me again.
And I will say it again...

I WILL NOT LET DEPRESSION TAKE ME.


_Woodland Mom

Holy Basil and Stress Relief

Hello Moms, Dads and everyone who has a problem with stress!
I've been introduced to something recently. It's called Holy Basil Leaf.

Listen up...I'm a mom of 4.  My patience has been severely lacking these past couple years. My stress levels - WAY high. Yelling? I'm a pro, yo. But lately, it's been getting out of hand. My kids started thinking I was preggo again just because I was so cranky and stressed all the time! (nooooo, thank you!)

Someone came to visit a little while ago, with his wife and kids and one of the first things I noticed was how mellow he was about everything. No matter what his kids did, he handled it the way it should have been handled - calmly. Did his kids get away with everything? No way! But he was able to do what needed to be done with his head cool. I was like, "what the flip! How do you do that?"

The first night he was here, he told us about this herb he started talking recently called, "Holy Basil" for stress control. I immediately thought about how calm he was all day and I couldn't believe it. Something that worked! But, would it work for me?

I found it at Whole Foods for $29.99 and started taking it. The first day, I was chill...like a penguin. I couldn't feel anything to tell me that something new was in my body but when it came to things that would usually stress me out, I had no problem. I laughed more. I played with the kids more. I took my precious time doing whatever I needed to do - and all without yelling.

This stuff works.
I'm seriously going to recommend it to anyone I know that's stressing out a lot because I can see it work in myself.

Yikes...I sound like a commercial.

Woodland Mom

Expecting Too Much

My plastic sword-swinging eight year old, Merida, was always more advanced than the other kids in her class. From 18 months, I could see that she was going to be a lover of books.

She didn't care to play with other kids. She'd rather sit in her corner with her picture books and flip through them while chaos ensued all around her. I was concerned at first until I sent her off to preschool at three years old - mainly for the sake of socializing. I was surprised to find that she knew the alphabet, shapes, colors and she could count to ten while many others in her class could not. She was a smart cookie. Still is. She's had straight A's all year, every year since she started school. Her teacher's words were, "you've got an amazing daughter. She's the kind of student all of us teachers want. If we would have a class full of kids like her, there'd never be any problems."

I was proud. I still am proud. But this whole experience has caused some problems when it comes to her sister, my six year old.

I shall call her "Princess Unicorn Giggles" or Rapunzel, though the first is more fitting. Since she could sit on her own, life was all about butterfly-pooping unicorns and fuzzy rainbows. My little Rapunzel, with her super-long hair and big, round, blue eyes is - academically speaking - right where a six year old should be. Her mind is more concerned about her next game or adventure and she could really care less about math or reading. She can do it but she just doesn't care to. She's in first grade now and her grades are nothing near what her sister's were. Now, at first, I was very worried! I called in for a parent-teacher conference to see why my child was behind.(though, she really wasn't) 

"Why is she only reading small words?"
"Why can't she do subtraction?"
"Why isn't she reading chapter books like her sister was at this age?"

I was frustrated and Princess could tell...but that only made things worse. It stopped any possibility of her loving to learn. It was a job then. It was a job to try to read and it wasn't fun anymore. Numbers, letters and shapes weren't exciting like they were when she was a toddler.

Fast-forward a few months later when I went inside her class to explain to her teacher that an accident on the highway is the reason that there are only six kids in her class.
"I had to take a different road," I explained. "I'd have been in traffic for two hours if I didn't."
"Yeah," a sweet, high-pitched voice said behind me.
I turned and saw this little blonde girl only two desks away from Princess.
Her eyes widened in wonder as she went on saying, "but there was no slug in the woad so I don't know where the twaffic is coming fwom."

The teacher chuckled and looked at me with this, "oh, kids are silly" look and it hit me. I looked to Princess who was giggling away at a boy making funny faces and my stomach hit the floor. I'd been expecting way too much from my little girl. Her sister was more advanced and mature than the average kid at that age, but Princess? She was right where the rest of them were. She was where she's supposed to be and I was pushing her and stressing her out. I felt horrible. My heart broke for her and on my way home, I decided I'd chill out. Ever since then, I've been a lot more understanding of who she is and what she finds interesting. We've made math and reading fun and...at her own pace. She enjoys me "quizzing" her now and she just seems like a more relaxed kid.

I'm far from being the perfect mom and I'm learning about this parenthood thing on a daily basis. Yes, I have four kids, but not one will be the same, nor will the experiences be with each one of them. There is no limit to what can be learned as a parent and there is no level you can reach to be able to say, "hey, I'm a pro. I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm the best at it." We can do our best but by doing, we're still learning.