Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Finding Peace of Mind

I will admit that I was not always a happy person.
In fact, I went through a major depressive state that lasted for two years. I was unhappy and unhealthy…a dangerous mix.

There is so much that life offers us and it's not always good. The bad things, though, are not there to define us but so many people allow the negative aspects of life to control them and even use them as excuses.

I suffer from a heart issue that's believed to be atrial fibrillation(they haven't been able to diagnose it without actually recording the abnormal heart rates, etc It's difficult to catch right at the right moment). (definition from an irregular and often rapid heart rate that commonly causes poor blood flow to the body.

I'm 27 and have three kids with one to come next year. I can't exercise regularly like most women can. I can't clean or work as quickly as I'd like. Stress is quick to attack and raises my blood pressure in a breath. Any sort of cardio exercise is painful, which can be rather difficult when you have little ones to run after.

I often feel like a bad mother because I don't have the strength to run with them as much as I'd like. I get weak and fatigued very quickly. It's upsetting to deal with…especially being so young, but it's something I finally came to accept.

Key word: accept.

The majority of unhappy people are lacking on this part. As humans, acceptance of the bad is near inexistent but no one seems to realize that if we'd just accept our circumstances, we would be in control of our emotions instead of being controlled by our emotions.

Troubles are there to make us stronger, not weaker. They're meant to strengthen our minds through acceptance; our bodies by pushing forward, regardless of the weight we're dragging behind us; and our spirits by the pride we get by looking back and knowing we made it through a struggle.

The point here, ladies and gentlemen, is that finding happiness is all in our mind. It's all about how we accept what's happening - or not happening - in our life. Being able to sit in the midst of a storm and look around with a smile, knowing that every storm passes.

Nothing lasts forever.
Every problem will have an end and we usually don't realize it until the struggle is over and we look back. But, instead of looking back and shaking our heads in disdain at our handling of it, we can look back and breathe, knowing that we weren't beaten.

In my particular circumstance, I was angry with myself for not being on the same level as every other woman I know. Unable to cook and clean and do the wifey thing as well as others, made me feel inferior and worthless. I knew my heart was bad it's not my fault but despite all that, I put the blame on myself nonetheless.
The sense of inferiority leads to putting oneself down. Suddenly, not only did I not feel "fast enough," I wasn't pretty enough. I felt I wasn't a good enough mother. I felt overwhelmed with life and everything just felt wrong. I was too skinny or too fat or too tall or God knows what other problems I felt I had until one morning when reality hit me.

I woke up one winter morning and I opened the blinds - Oh and, by the way, at this time in my life, I hated winter. It was too cold - There was a cardinal perched on our yellow bird feeder that hung from the porch. Everything outside was frosted over. The whole scene was just beautiful. I took my coffee and sat on the sofa, looking out the window at the view and sense came to me in a rush.

I have the life I've always wanted. A life in the country with nature and seasons and beauty around me year round. There's green grass for my kids to play in. Trees for them to climb. I have a white house with a porch swing where gorgeous wild birds come to feed from my bird feeder. My children are healthy. My health is not life-threatening. I have a husband who loves me and his kids and works hard every day so I can raise our babies and take care of our home.
No, I'm not as fast as every other woman I know but I do get things done in my time. "My time" still frustrates me but I can only change as much as my health will allow me to and that much I am pushing for.
I can cook homemade meals that are healthy and aiding in the growth of my beautiful blessings.
No, I can't chase after my kids for hours like other moms can, but I can do it for a few minutes and those minutes are precious to my kids. I can still pretend with them and read with them and do things with them without overexerting myself.
I'm doing the best I can. It doesn't make my life any less worth living or any worse off than others who have a perfect heart but neglect their families.

These were the thoughts that came to me as I sat and watched the birds out my window. It was the realization of a lifetime and something that I continue to remind myself of as I continue on this adventure of family-hood.

Life is good and little things are there to remind us but the negativity in our hearts blacks out all of that. If we would all take time to sit and look around us, pinpointing the little things we have in our lives that are so right, the things that are so wrong will no longer be in control and knowing that they will eventually pass, will make life a whole lot easier to live.


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